Hello, Gordon!
Here I have compiled a bunch of transcription of Gabe Newman's & Gabe Newell's commentary dialogues from Half-Life: Alyx but the Gnome is Too Aware.
(Also, as a advertisement, I am looking for work as a full-stack dev.)
Welcome to the Jungle.
FINAL ACT: PART 1 at 17:52
Full Act 4 Stream at \
[Gabe Newell]
Welcome to Dota 2-
Wait, shit, I'm sorry. I meant Half-Life: Alyx. Can we start over?
[Wayne]
Oh, I didn't know we had commentary like this. I didn't know Alyx had-
[Gabe Newell]
Welcome to Half-Life: Alyx, my favorite hero is Sand King!
[Wayne]
Can I like, interact with this?
[Gabe Newell]
While you are enjoying Half-Life: Alyx, you can interact with these commentary nodes to hear developer insight into the creation of the scene the node appears in.
Touch the commentary node, to begin!
[Gabe Newell]
I'm Gabe Newell. Welcome to the zoo. That right there is a gorilla.
Have you heard of an animal, called: monkey?
I have.
Uhh...
This gnome, isn't supposed to be here.
[Wayne]
Which gnome? (Points towards blue gnome) THAT one is not supposed to be here. That one is not supposed to be here.
[Gabe Newell]
Do you know why it is Gnome Chompski appears in every Valve game? Oh, I wish I did...
[Wayne]
Uhh. I don't know. I don't know. Umm... Let's keep tapping it. I guess. Hello? Does it- does it work on touch?
(To Gnome:) What do you think of this?
[Gabe Newell]
We were going to add a headcrab zombie gorilla to this part, but I thought, "Nah, that's too cool."
"Let's make this part suck more."
[Wayne]
[Laughter] What? That can't be right, right? That's, just like- that's a fact? Why didn't you put that in the game?!
[Gabe Newell]
Please don't talk to the commentary node. I cannot hear you.
[Wayne]
Oh, right. But you can hear my mic, right?
(To Gnome:) I guess that's from the same facilities that you hear me, but he can't respond.
[Gabe Newell]
The blue gnome provided an interesting challenge for our development team. But not in the usual way, you might expect.
Before we, uh, managed to, bring in a voice actor to record its dialogue, its voice... had somehow, inexplicably... already appeared in our system. Fully formed, as if it'd been waiting for us all along.
[Gnome]
[Moaning]
[Gabe Newell]
Really scared the bejeezus out of all of us.
We don't know why he sounds like that, either.
Sorry.
[Gnome]
Oh, sir!
Oh, sire!
They love me so!!
UWU!
One!
[Wayne]
What is happening?
What is he-
I thought this was the-
[Gabe Newell]
Did you know? Valve Software has a secret or two.
Hee, hee...
[Gnome]
[Loud breathing]
Not much air in here!
UWU!
[Wayne]
Good!
Die.
Suffocate.
[Gnome]
Hello?
[Heavy breathing]
[Wayne]
Yeah, die in there.
Hold on, we need to block him in there.
[Gnome]
Okay, sir.
I'll die and you can consume my body if you want.
[Gabe Newell]
The Borealis in Half-Life 3 was originally an adorable little tugboat with a face on it.
After months of testing, we realized that it made the players too sad to destroy it, so we cancelled Half-Life 3 entirely.
[Wayne]
[Laughter]
That can't be true!
What is this?
(To Gnome:) Are you involved here? He's saying bullshit.
[...]
[Wayne]
I want to hear the rest of this.
[Gabe Newell]
In Half-Life 2: Episode 2, Eli Vance is murdered, by a Combine Advisor.
This was not our original idea, which was scrapped, days before release.
Originally, Eli would eat a really spicy wasabi pea and he does not survive.
[Wayne]
[Laughter]
Don't these usually stop when they're out of lines?
There's no like-
(The commentary bubble stops spinnings and turns grey.)
Oh, it's dead.
Important Dialogue
Final Act: Part 2 at 9:54
Full Act 4 Stream at
[Gabe Newell]
This cutscene features a currently unrevealed character to the Half-Life lore. And it is SOOOOOOO important! I hope you listen to the whole thing.
Over here, you'll notice, some of the textures, might seem a little out of place.
The reason for that, is...
WAIT! How did that gnome get there? You're not supposed to bring that gnome here.
On the behalf of all of us here at Valve Software, I suggest you shut the game off immediately before you regret your actions.
[Wayne]
No! I need to finish this shit. This is important to me
[Gnome]
That's not nice.
[Wayne]
(Pointing at a Combine Scanner:) Did he just summon these?
[Gabe Newell]
The following line of commentary cannot be played until the gnome is 100 feet away from me.
[Gnome]
He is lying by de way.
[Wayne]
Hold on.
[Gabe Newell]
Sorry. I- I just told a lie. I don't know why I did that.
[...]
[Gabe Newell]
I've actually been monitoring your progress from here at Valve Headquarters.
I just want you to know, that if you don't finish the game, I'm going to delete your Steam account.
Ha ha. Just. Kidding.
I didn't really want to make this game. I wanted to make a Pokémon game. But they told me I couldn't...
...what a load of shit.
I really like watching cartoons.
I wish I was watching cartoons instead of doing this stupid commentary.
[...]
[Gabe Newell]
I hope you've had fun playing this game because it'll be our last.
I traded the company for a box of Cracker Jacks.
[Gabe Newman]
Hi this is Gabe Newman, hope you liking my game.
It has a certain smell.
Did you know?
I personally made EVERY single one of Valve's games. NOBODY else!
All of those names in the credits? I MADE THEM UP!
Threats
Final Act: Part 2 at 18:05 Full Act 4 Stream at
[Gabe Newman]
I had one of my developers in a headlock, when he started telling me about these things, called, "pigs".
They sounded so pleasant and foolhardy, that I decided to let him go for the day.
"Half-Life but the AI is Self-Aware" is my favorite, YouTube series.
Um... Dr. Coomer, is, really, funny? But my favorite, is, um, Benrey. I hope they put his.. brother Emmett in the next one.
And my favourite class is the Spy.
[Wayne]
Do they have more dialogue?
It's not-
(Wayne touches the commentary node.)
[Gabe Newman]
Please stop touching the commentary node.
Please stop touching the commentary node.
PLEASE stop touching it.
Stop.
Stop!
STOP IT!!!
[Wayne]
You're still spinning.
You still got dialogue for me.
(Wayne touches the commentary node.)
You still-
[Gabe Newman]
Listen pal, if you touch the node one more time... there's gonna be, hell to pay.
You're gonna regret ever buying it and playing it on your Valve Index.
There's a big storm coming for you.
I'm gonna bring all the Team Fortress 2 mercenaries to your house, and they're going to shoot ROCKETS at you.
And beat you and your dog with hammers.
Yeah that's- that's right. I know your dog's name, punk.
It's Dollboy.
Yeah, that's right. You scared?
You scared, fucker?
(Wayne pushes the commentary node, it falls to the ground and flickers off.)
Well now look what you've done. Are you proud of yourself, wise guy?
Did pushing me over make you feel any better? I hope so.
Go fuck yourself.
Your Steam account is now banned. BYE!
And my favorite class is the Spy.
Well fuck you too, buddy.
Transcribed by Erland, The owner of Erland.fi